The Wall and the Long Slide down
The Wall and the Long Slide down
My struggle with burnout
Back in August, I hit the wall… was I working too much? No. Did I have unrealistic expectations about what I was capable of doing? No. It was simple: All my routines were interrupted. Too many things were happening in my personal life and I couldn’t regulate my emotions. Too many neurotypical expectations were placed on me in my personal life I couldn’t live up to.
Burnout crept into my life unnoticed, as I gradually stopped engaging in activities I loved, including sharing my writings. It wasn't the usual overextension; it was different this time. The world's tragedies, family complexities, and a wall of emotions left me feeling incapable of even the simplest tasks. My body ached, my mind was clouded with anxiety and fear, and I found myself at a loss.
The turning point came with the intensified negativity in fandom debates. Whether discussing movies or TV shows, every opinion seemed to spark conflict. I questioned the value of opinions in a space where purity, rather than genuine discussion, dominated. This toxicity, especially around topics of diversity and representation, drained me.
A notable example was my experience discussing 'Dune.' A beloved series from my childhood, the latest adaptation left me disappointed. It missed the core themes relevant to our times, focusing instead on a superficial narrative. My critique was met with accusations and misunderstandings, a pattern that repeated with other topics.
Every opinion I expressed was interpreted as an agenda. The backlash was personal and relentless. This pattern extended to various media discussions, where even well-loved reviewers missed the essence of stories, focusing on minor details instead of the larger narrative.
In a world grappling with serious issues like insurrection, gun violence, and attacks on the trans community, I struggled with the relevance of discussing art and stories. As societal focus shifted to survival, the joy and essence of living seemed to fade.
Am I better? Is that why I am writing this? No. I am not better. I am still having so many shutdowns and executive disfunction still.
So why am I writing this? Because writing refreshes and renews me and I have a deed desire to write at the moment.
I am still here.
So many of us are struggling right now, and late stage capitalism is beating us all down. The news doesn’t help, and don’t think I am get in the middle of any of it.
I hit the first wall in June.
This wall didn’t completely knock me out, but every moment of every day felt like marching through thick mud, but since August it has been almost impossible to do anything.
What am I doing about it?
Despite the overwhelming nature of our times, I realized the importance of small joys. Growing up in poverty taught me to find happiness in little things. It's crucial to remember to live, not just survive. We must find joy in the now, or risk losing ourselves to despair.
Over the last month, a friend taught me how to crochet and I have made a bunch of amigurumis. My two favorites are Bao from the Pixar short and a red bubble eyed fish. This has helped me regulate my emotions and start resetting, but life is still a struggle every day.
My plan was to use November to actually reset.
I chose to reject nihilism, focusing instead on making short-term changes for the better. It's about impacting our immediate world positively, rather than being consumed by long-term existential worries.
In the end, I've learned to appreciate the present. We can't wait for a perfect future; we must create joy and goodness now. This approach has rekindled my passion for life and creativity, helping me to start sharing my voice again.
On that note, I am bringing the podcast back!
It is hosted on Spotify for Podcasters here.
The first podcast episode back inspired this post.
My work might not change the world, but it's significant to me. It marks the moment I rediscovered my voice and purpose. I hope it resonates with some of you, reminding us all to find and cherish the joys in our lives. Thank you for joining me on this journey.
I hope you continue to recover. Struggling against the relentless loudness of negativity in the world is so hard. I see people protesting, get attacked myself for expressing myself, and can only shake my head as those with barely a moment's life experience shout the loudest of all.
Personally, I feel the same as you about the new Dune. I also despise a new book toted at the New Pern called Fourth Wing, I find it ableist, bordering on eugenist, but those who love it can't see the prejudice layered in it beyond the overt actions of the antagonists. Like Dune, they chose to believe the marketing rather than read beyond the most superficial themes that fit their views.