Shouting in a Void: Loneliness and Writing
The last couple years haven't been easy. After falling into the darkest depths of depression, I withdrew from everything, By everything, I mean everything. I stopped going out. I stopped podcasting. I stopped blogging. I stopped everything...
Things got better. I got better. I started blogging again. I started podcasting again. I started writing again, and that is where my problems started up again.
Writing is a lonely process.
That is my experience. I started writing as a kid because I lived in the middle of no where. All I had was my TV, my dog, and my imagination. Creativity was a way for me to entertain myself. I drew my own He-man and Transformers comics. I wrote school plays based on my favorite books. I even wrote poems for my elementary school graduation. I loved to write.
After we moved to Maryland, I continued writing. My storytelling flowed into AD&D, then into Vampire: The Masquerade. I continued writing stories and wrote my first two novels. Through all that, my fiction was a private thing, just for me. I may have shared one or two stories with a couple of friends, but I wrote for me, and didn't really share it with anyone.
Liquid Sky was really the first thing I ever wrote with readers in mind. I wrote profiles of prospective readers, and tried to keep them in mind, but that didn't make the experience anymore isolating. That isolation has always been a fundamental part of my process.
So, after the worse depression I have ever suffered. I started reconnecting with friends, interests, and life itself. I started podcasting again, which is something I love to do. Then, I started working on a new book and universe...
I stopped using social media. I stopped hanging out with my friends. I stopped podcasting... I even stopped watching the series I love!
This has to change!
My life is a lonely one. I live in a place I don't like. The weather and allergies knock me out regularly. I don't have a lot of friends around here because my cultures are not represented well in the area. My husband works a lot, which leaves me home alone most of the time. It might sound like I am complaining about that, but it is just how my life is. My life is a lonely one right now. I can't allow myself to fall back into my isolating habits I've built over the years.
When I was surrounded by friends and family, and regularly went to cons, time alone was a just a part of my life. That isn't how I live right now. Whether I am writing or not, I am alone most of the time. Further isolation isn't healthy for me right now.
I have to change my relationship to words.
That is a lot easier said than done, especially when I'm not sure what that new relationship should be. I have set many high minded goals in the past only to be thwarted by technology or time constraints. Damn time. I can't keep letting these weird things hold me back.
1. Stop holding everything in.
With everything going on in the world, I find it difficult to go on about the things that I love or that I am interested in. That may be the stupidest thing holding me down. Love and excitement are really the only cures for the hate, ennui, and cynicism of the world. Staying silent is just giving in to the forces arrayed against us. Besides, I have never really cared about what people thought about me or my opinions. So, what is really holding me back?
I feel an obscene amount of pressure to produce content... to hell with that. I need to just follow my own heart and do the things that make me happy. Wow, that sentence almost hurt to type. That is something I need to work on.
2. My world is my story.
While, yes, I need to be careful about sharing spoilers, I love world building. Sharing that world building should be a big part of what I do.
3. If I didn't know something, others might not have known that either.
I have gotten this strange idea in my head that everyone probably already knows about the musicians, series, or trivia I find interesting. Well, if I didn't know about it, there is a good chance that others didn't know about it either. Besides, it never hurts to be reminded about awesome things.
4. Writing things out helps me things things through.
Posts like this might not interest anyone other than me, but they help me think things through. That is worth more than anything to me. I just need to breathe and be myself. It is hard to shut me up when I feel at home. I just need to be that guy again.
What do you think I should do? Have you ever had to reconnect with your life and loves? I would love to talk about this in the comments.