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The Darkest Holiday of All
Isolation is the cruelest emotion that anyone can be made to feel. Welcome to one holiday in the Bluff:
"Well, we just returned from the most uncomfortable anything-but-thankful thanksgiving at [the Bucket Woman's]. I have never been more uncomfortable in my life. From the bad gay jokes that [my cousin] and [-] friend were telling, to the I-have-it-so-much-better, dialogue from [my other cousin], the why-won't-anyone-pity-me from [the Bucket Woman], I have never felt more out of place in my life. It might have been tolerable, if my back hadn't gone out a couple days ago (I haven't been able to sit up for any extended period of time for a while).
"I did my part. As I type to you, I am in so much pain, I just want to break down and cry. If it wasn't for Brian's caring support, I don't know how I could make it through this. They have kept me so upset lately that my back, knee, ankle, and hand have started [hurting more than I can stand] Anyway, if I can relax and calm down, the [pain] will stop, and the wounds will heal, but they are doing everything in their power to keep me upset.
"It is selfish of me not to be at [the Bucket Woman's], but the amount of physical pain is unbearable. I know I am a disgrace to the family, but I have to think of my health. I cannot continue to cry myself to sleep every night only to wake up wondering why I should bother to move at all. I can take being told over and over that none of my memories are real, that my feelings don't matter, and that I am an ingrate son who is going to burn in hell for all eternity because I am a bad Christian, but not today.
"I need a day off to be with my family... Mom and dad chose not to be here, and we couldn't afford to be up there [with my sister]. I was not invited to [the Bucket Woman's] until after we had already bought food.
"I miss you all so much. I know I am nothing but a disappointment to everyone but Brian, but I am trying very hard. I know I am just an emotional wreck that has no right to my feelings, and I know I am always in the way, but I do love you all so much. Maybe someday, I will make them proud, or at least be more stable.
"There has been a lot going on lately... I'm sorry... I am a weak person who has never helped anyone. I am a selfish monster who has never done anything for anyone else. I am a mistake who should have never been born... or at least, so I'm told.
"I love you, and I hope I have not ruined your thanksgiving. I have ruined everyone else's life, except for Brian's. I hope I haven't ruined yours as well. I love you, and I try not to be a bother.
"PS. I know I am feeling sorry for myself. It is after all, the only thing I am good at (so I'm told). I just haven’t figured out a way to be invisible yet. I just needed to vent. No one has suffered like mom has. I hear about it all the time. I don’t know how she survived.
"I have to be a quiet, obedient child. I am trying, but I have yet learn how to be quiet enough (from an Email written that day)."
I have to add that there have been no apologies for the way people acted that day. My cousins were reportedly "having a good time" and "don't understand" why I left. I had a lot of business to take care of, and my own emotional stability. I need to think more about that than I do, but that is the way of things...